The Hunnicutt Homestead

One of Those Days...

Do you ever feel like as a mom you will never to be able to fill the role you were placed in?  Thursday was one of those days for me.  At the end of an already long day which had been filled with homeschool, preschool, phone calls rearranging appointments, colds, dishes, temper tantrums, spankings, errands, and giving haircuts & baths to everyone in the family, I finished putting together my sourdough starter and settled down to peruse the latest catalogs which I have saved up over the last 2 weeks.  I had thought this would be a nice way to relax.  What I found instead was an overwhelming sense of how imperfect and full of struggle I am in so many areas of my life.  And that I don't have enough money or time to fill my library with every book I'll ever need to possibly fix it or help me to grow in knowledge, wisdom, kindness and patience.

The catalogs listed book after book about raising well mannered children, healthy living, whole grain meals, all natural cooking, and the like.  Books on homemaking, crafts to make your home more pleasant and enjoyable, how to clean and organize, homeschooling and its many benefits.  Bible studies on being a woman of God, a wonderful mother & wife.  Different books on every type of perspective regarding Christian theology, end times, Calvinism, Arminianism... pretty much whatever you are looking for.  After being accosted by all these choices I began to feel overwhelmed.  I mean, the authors of these books make it sound so easy.  Seven steps to accomplish this, the top three things to achieve that.  My imperfections seemed to jump out at me as I realized how many of these books were calling out to me like an eager student waiting to give me life's answers.  Pick me, pick me!  They all seemed to cry. 

Yep, I argued with my husband today.  Yep, I found myself disciplining in anger today.  Yep, I fed the family an hour later than normal, I failed to do one single load of 4 hampers full of laundry, we had the same meal for lunch and dinner as last night's dinner (stew).  I allowed myself to be manipulated by my children, I fussed at a driver in front of me while hypocritically telling my children that they should do all things without complaining.  I sent the kids away so I could finish listing and browsing stuff on Ebay.  And, believe it or not, I started out the day reading my bible and praying for myself and each of my family members.  I had started out feeling prepared.  What happened?  Does this sound familiar to anyone out there?

At times like this, I feel like throwing in the towel.  I mean, surely no positive change is going on in any of us!  I'm still failing left and right,  My kids are forgetting all that we've been striving to teach them regarding loving others, and being responsible, not fussing and using good manners, diligence and the like.  I am frustrated with the standard being so high.  But who has set the standard and how do we get there?

There seems to be a difference between God's standard of perfection and holiness and our human attempts to get ourselves as well as everyone else around us perfect in all areas of our lives right this second.  When I realize that it is God's job to change me and help me to meet His standard in His timing, I tend not to become quite so overwhelmed.  I recognize it is an ongoing process.  When I fall short of His standard I know I can pray and ask him to forgive me and change me to be more like Him. 

Maybe it is time for me to throw away the catalogs.  It is when I am confronted with every weakness, along with multiple opinions on "do this don't do that, let me give you advice and please repeat after me while I read the bible " kind of books that the overwhelming sinking feeling grips me on the inside and I begin to feel hopeless.  The only book I truly need after all,  is the bible.  And the best verse that comes to me now is that His grace is sufficient for me. 

With that in mind, I will be retiring to my bed, cup of hot decaf tea in hand and my bible in the other.  I'm ready for a love story...