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Thursday I said good-bye to one of my beloved furry friends. It was, by far, the most gut-wrenching and soul shattering of good-byes I've ever had and trust me, I've grieved deeply for others. 4 years ago my husband and I struggled with cancer in our shep/rottie, CC. We drove her to a vet that was more than 2 hours away after having a cancerous toe amputated for treatments. She lived for 3 short months after the amputation she was 11 years old. 5 months after that I lost my "heart-dog" Jesi (border collie) she was two days away from her 15th birthday. About 10 days ago our 11 year old wolf/dog, Mystic, started limping. She was an avid digger (4 foot deep holes in record time) that it wasn't unusual for her, at her age, to limp a bit afterwards. But she didn't stop limping, old dog+limping=arthritis maybe? Her joints seemed a bit swollen and hot to me so I picked a day to take her into the vet where I work and figured she'd need some xrays and bloodwork to rule out any other problems and make sure her organs were functioning well so we could look at options for treatment to help her with the pain. She was eating very well and it was raining A LOT so she was in her shelter instead of bouncing around, something else not unusual for her with our weather. The day before she was to go in for xrays my husband told me on the phone as I was driving home, "when you get home, you better check Mystic again, she's limping REALLY bad and her left front leg is really, really swollen." I told him ah well, she's coming to work with me tomorrow we'll get her all squared away. About 5 minutes after the call I got the sickest feeling in the pit of my stomach, no no no. Like a big blinking neon sign in my head I saw the words again...CANCER. No, I refuse to think that way, she's old, old for her size but she's mostly wolf!! Do wolves get cancer? Probably, but let's not think about that. When I got home I immediately checked her out. HOLY SMOKES! Her front left "wrist" was swollen beyond belief and it was as hard as a rock. My heart sunk. I immediately called work to see if I could get her in asap. No problem. During the drive there I tried to convince myself that I was over-reacting. Maybe during her last exuberant excavation she caught a thorn? I voiced my thoughts to my husband, but I the sickness in my stomach would not be convinced. When we got there and after her general examination by the vet, I shaved her leg, exposing the joint. It was hot to the touch, her temp was about 103.8...new hope soared that it was just a bad infection. The vet poked it to get a quick cytology. Imagine my crestfallen face when not puss, but blood flowed into the syringe. Not a good sign. While the vet stained and looked at the slide my boss helped me get xrays. She stood in front of the monitor (we have digital imagery) so I couldn't see as the first xray "downloaded". After it was done she called the vet over. I stood with my head on Mystic turned away. I lifted my head as my boss was walking to face me. She shook her head and patted my arm, "it's not good, I'm sorry." My entire world shattered in that second. Clutching Mystic I cried. I looked at my husband and the tears were flowing down his face as well. He held both of us. Mystic had her wolf pride going on. She wasn't happy, she wasn't a dog...she didn't wag her tail or lick our faces with reassurance. She was stoic and strong. After a bit I looked at the xrays myself. I was amazed at the how badly the devil ravaged her bones....and so darned fast. Cancer is without mercy and makes no discrimination. It takes the young, the old, the smart, the stupid, humans, birds, dogs and ferrets...it doesn't care who it hurts. I looked at my beloved canine and my heart broke all over again. She didn't even seem like herself. I looked into her eyes and she averted them. They talked to me about the future, the possibilities, medication for the pain. My mind swirled with colors only the mind can see. This was my darling Mystic we were talking about. I've known her since she was 5 weeks old even though I didn't meet her until she was almost a year, a friend of mine brought her home at such a terribly young age, because that was what was once believed the best for a dog of such high wolf content. Foolish, yes, but there were a lot of stupid things that were done regarding wolfdogs. From the moment I met Mystic she was mine. I had seen pictures of her that her owner shared on a regular basis. She was a cute little bundle of fluff. Then one day I was graced with actually meeting her. Her owner explained that she was exceptionally shy of strangers no matter how much she tried to socialize her (common in the breed). She said she'll probably hide from me and maybe tentatively approach, but not likely. I was at work at the time a retail job that I had free range in so a visiting friend with her 75# yearling wolfdog was not an issue. I sat down in the large show room, about 30 feet from the front door. Mystic was on one of those retractable leashes and stepped carefully into the showroom. She looked at what was in front of her and then to her right...where I sat. Her ears perked up, he eyes brightened and bounding as only a wolf can bound she was in my lap. My friend remarked how odd it was. From that point on Mystic was my protector, my friend and my responsibility. It was still almost a year before she came to live with exclusively, but I visited her regularly, threatened the life my friend's roommate after he had hit her (Mystic) in the face with a closed fist, I took her to the park for long walks, and one time we both slept under a futon (yes, under) waiting for another friend to visit while I was taking care of my friend's pets while she was away on a trip. Even today when my friend sent me a note regarding Mystic's passing she said, "I was only keeping her until she was able to be with you." I continued holding Mystic while I thought about my options. I remembered CC's pain. I remember watching her wither away and eventually struggle for a single breath. I thought about propping her up with pain medication, but she loved the outdoors and that's where she lived. She couldn't be out there doped up and being inside would only stress her out (she once dug a hole through the floor boards of a house trying to get out, she's also torn down venetian blinds and broke windows trying to escape the confines of a house). She already had an exceptionally heavy coat (probably more from the malamute than the wolf in her). No, she would suffer inside AND outside. There was only one thing to do. Ask her. "Mystic?" I held her head in my hands, "what do you want me to do? Do you want me to do whatever I can to make you comfortable or do you want me let you go?" She averted her eyes immediately and laid her head down on the table, heaved a great sigh and closed her eyes. I waited. Mystic and I have always had a deep spiritual connection, one like I have never experienced before and I suspect never will again, I waited. Then I heard it, a cry, not unlike a howl, deep in my soul. I knew the meaning as sure as I know my own name. "Let me go." She wanted her wolf pride intact, she didn't want to suffer any more than I wanted her to suffer. She tried to tell me with the averted eyes and deep sigh perhaps. I clung to her. I cried harder. I asked my husband, "what do you say?" He sobbed, "I can't say, you have known her longer than you have known me, she's your love, your spirit friend, it is up to you." "No, no it's not, it's up to her and she wants me to let her go." My husband had a small smiled, "I suspected as much." I didn't ask him how. He loved CC with all his heart and he loved Mystic, but Mystic was my wolf spirit, my guide, she embodied my own spirituality. She taught me what it means to be a wolf, even though she wasn't a pure wolf. She taught me to be brave, to do what I had to do in the face of adversity. She taught me a lot and I loved her for everything she was. I told the vet I was going to let her go. She didn't question me or try to talk me out of it, she simply said, "ok". I turned back to Mystic and I put my arms around her with my face against hers and began to speak: I hope you know how much I love you and that I would never ever want you suffer for my own desires. I have loved you from the moment I saw your picture and I knew you were for me from the moment you jumped into my arms. You have been the very best of friends, you got me through a horrible rough patch of my life and you sang your beautiful song during my wedding. You accepted Tim, you loved him, you loved me. I will never, ever forget you and please, please know that I will love you forever. When the vet stepped into the light with the syringe of solution I gripped her tighter. No one questioned me when I held off Mystics vein. No one else was going to touch my Mystic as I am touching her now. I could not abandon her now, I will hold her body until the very end. I watched the solution enter her vein. I felt her body relax against me. I whispered, "I love you my precious, good-night my sweet wolf, wait for me, I will be there one day." The vet stepped away while Tim and I cried our hearts out. I straightened her body on the table, brushed her long white fur with my fingers and kissed her face a million times. "Good-night my love, I will see you again one day." Everyday I heal a little, everyday I miss her more. I called my friend a few days later and told her of Mystic's passing. It was the first time I could speak of her without sobbing. I was finally able to look out the window at her empty run. I miss singing with my girl. |
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Posted by Shari
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