The Evil Snare of "Compare"

Posted on 2007-Aug-20 at 03:42

  One bright fall day when I was 7 years old, I listened as my second grade teacher described our art project for the day.  We were going to make frames to go around our light switch covers in our bedrooms!  Enthralled, I fidgeted in my seat as she slowly passed out the card stock paper and special oil crayons that we would use.  Visions of my gorgeous light cover frame filled my head, and as soon as my materials were dropped on my desk, I fell to work.

The teacher had cut out a standard light cover sized rectangle from the center of each piece of card stock, and our job was to decorate the paper around the rectangle with whatever we chose.  I decided flowers would be pretty- a veritable garden of beautiful blooming flowers for me to enjoy every time I turned my light on!  What could be better than that?  I happily worked on my project, oblivious to everyone else around me.  When I was finished, I sat back and looked at my efforts with extreme satisfaction.  My project was perfect.  With my work completed, I began to look around at what everyone else in the class had come up with.  And I was not happy with what I found.

The girl in the desk next to mine had created a masterpiece of hearts and rainbows intricately linked together and covering her entire paper.  Her work was neat and clean and colorful.  I looked again at my project.  Now I was noticing that it looked a little smudgy and kind of messy really.  My colors had run into each other a bit, and some of my flowers looked, well, dead.

The boy behind me had constructed a space scene for his light switch to employ.  Comets and stars and rocket ships adorned his paper which he had painstakingly colored a deep dark blue, like a night sky.  You almost felt as if you were in space yourself!  I had never thought about putting a scene like that on my project.  All of a sudden flowers were so boring.

And then I took a look at Kimberly’s work.  Kimberly was the smartest, prettiest, funniest and nicest girl in our whole class.  Kimberly had come up with a light cover frame that Monet himself would have been proud to hang in his bedroom.  It was beautiful beyond words…clouds and birds and a sun that looked so real, you almost could feel the heat radiating from it.  It was the light switch cover frame to end all light switch cover frames.  Compared to hers, mine looked like nothing but a mass of scribbles that a kindergartener had scrawled. 

I never even hung my art project on the wall when I got home.  It sat forgotten in my book bag until it was scrunched up and ruined.  Any magic it had held for me had disappeared when held up to the light of what the others had done. 

And thus began my career in comparison that has lasted almost 30 years.

A large portion of my life has been spent seeing how I measure up to other people.  It started when I was young, and it continued into adulthood.  If I was better than someone, I was able to feel good about myself.  If I fell short, I became obsessed with whatever it was until I reached the goal which was to be the best.  And then I’d find another goal.

As a teen, I compared my clothes, my hair, my body and just about anything else that came up with those around me.  I set my sights on a certain crowd of kids that I wanted to be a part of, and I molded myself to become like them so that I would not only fit in but be a leader of the group.  I did not lack self confidence or self esteem.  I was very outgoing and had a lot of friends.  But inside I was constantly eyeing myself and those with whom I interacted.  How am I doing?  What do people think of me?  Am I missing something?  If so, how can I get it?

As an adult, I set my sights on other things, and the comparisons continued.  My wedding was not as big and as fancy as so and so’s wedding.  My baby didn’t sleep as well as my cousin’s baby.  No one else in my family with little kids lived far away.  My sister in law’s house looked like something out of a magazine.  My friend’s husband was making a ton of money.  The girl I worked with just had a baby and was thin already.  It was out of control.  Anytime someone shared something with me, my mind would take it and hold it up to my own life.  I would then judge myself better than that person and feel smug or not as good as that person and get frustrated.  There were so many times that I made myself- not to mention my husband- miserable.

Then one day 6 years ago, I got saved.  My life changed drastically, dramatically, overnight.  The things that had once seemed important to me had little to no meaning anymore.  As the song says

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus. 

Look full in his wonderful face! 

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of his glory and grace!” 

Amen!  That was so true for me.  I no longer cared about what other people were doing or what they had, because what I had was the ultimate- I had Jesus as my best friend.  I was content with my husband, my children, myself.  I busied myself with caring for my home, into learning about nutrition and natural ways of staying healthy because it was what God wanted of me.  I knew it would please Him.  I read and read about being a godly wife and mom, about how I could be a better help meet to my husband.  I had fun putting what I was learning into practice.  I prayed daily for the Lord to refine me, to make me what He wanted me to be.  I was focused on the life and the gifts I had been given.  I have never been so satisfied in all my life. 

But old habits die hard. 

In my quest to become a better wife and mom, I joined an online message board that was designed to teach younger women like myself how to be keepers at home.  I also began to spend time “in real life” with other Christian women that had similar interests as me.  I met many ladies online and in person that seemed to do everything just right.  Their husbands were godly, strong men.  Their children flourished.  Their homes sparkled.  I looked at my fledgling efforts with new eyes.  I wanted what they had.  I threw myself anew into housekeeping, homeschooling, child training in an effort to attain it, but somehow things weren’t going so well.

I kept reading and talking and comparing.  I compared my scrawny, measly faith with the faith of some of these more godly women and found myself wanting.   I wished I was more organized like this one or that one.  I lamented that I was not more gentle, more loving, more nurturing to my children the way my friend was.  Much like that second grader years before, as I began to look around me I was not happy with what I found.  My satisfaction with my life took an ugly turn, and I was no longer content.

It wasn't that my life wasn't good, it was, but I became addicted somehow to achieving things.  And even when I would master something, my satisfaction was temporary- there was always something on the horizon that I “needed” to do.  I became very frustrated.  I started to slide back into some bad habits I thought I had left behind forever- losing my temper with my kids, complaining to my husband, wasting time on the computer… and then I would beat myself up because of course, so and so never yelled at her kids or complained to her husband or wasted time on the computer.  This would make me feel down and sad and I reacted by being short tempered, complaining, wasting time…you see the vicious cycle?  This trap, this snare of comparing myself to others, was now reaching out and grabbing those around me that I loved the most- my own husband and children.

In the morning when I was alone, I would pray and ask the Lord to show me what to do.  I would promise Him that I would try to be happy.  I would vow not to take my frustration out on my family.  Every day I would beseech Him to fix me, to make my heart right. 

But it wasn’t happening!  Daily I would see something in my home that would get to me- a messy barn, an unweeded garden, laundry piled up to here- and I would think “Why can’t I have a neat clean place like (insert name)?  I can’t stand it another minute!”  And then there it was…I was worked up and angry, and soon I would be taking it out on whoever happened to get in my way.  This is just one example of the way I had trained myself to think.

I thought that because I was aspiring to be a better Christian woman, that it was okay to hold myself up to those who were obviously living godly lives, to try to be like them- that’s who God would want me to be like, right?  He would want me to find good examples and emulate them, wouldn’t He?  But they all seemed so perfect, and I just couldn’t be like them, not completely.  I was always lacking.  Why, if I was a Christian who loved the Lord, was I unable to do the things that these other ladies were doing so easily?

A nice lady that reads my blog sent me an email a few months ago.  She told me how much she enjoyed reading my thoughts and about my family, and then she shared with me her struggle to have what I had with my husband and kids…she told me that she sometimes felt hopeless because it was so far off…she felt like giving up a lot, but she wanted me to know that it was stories like mine that kept her trying, because she so wanted her life to turn out the way mine was.

Friends, it just about broke my heart.  Here I knew the truth about myself, that I was about as imperfect as it gets, that I messed up on a daily basis, that I, without the mercy of God Himself, was nothing and could do nothing and here was a person aspiring to be like…me!  Because I, like many people, tend to blog about positive things, things that work, things that are admirable, I was causing this woman and who knew how many others to hold themselves up to my example and find themselves wanting. 

It was after reading that email that I recognized the trap.  Satan had fooled me.  And it wasn’t just me.  There were others out there, too, who were feeling badly about themselves for not making the grade.  This was an exciting realization, and it has taken me months to sort out what I have learned.  I have tried to post this so many times, but I couldn’t get it down exactly right.  So here is my best effort at explaining what God has so graciously shown me. 

What I have learned is that it isn’t right to try to be like anybody else, even if that person loves God and desires to please Him, because you can’t ever succeed unless you are doing these things to please God.  You can’t fake being into housekeeping or cooking or canning or knitting or homesteading or whatever other wholesome activity you admire in another person and hope that it will stick to you somehow because that’s what other Christian women do.  It doesn’t work if it’s not from your heart. 

Back when I first got saved, I made dinner every night with a joyful, singing heart because I was doing it under the loving gaze of my heavenly Father.  I was caring for the family He had seen fit to give me, and I was doing the best I could do for Him and Him only.  I wasn’t doing it to try to fit the mold of Christian Mom or Christian Wife.  I wasn’t trying to be as good as someone else.  When I started doing that, I was unable to succeed because my heart was wrong.  I was living only to please myself.

So what can you do if you find yourself caught in this trap?

  What you can do is devote yourself to Jesus daily- every single day- and tell Him that you are thankful for His gift to you.  Thank Him for making you good enough for God Himself- good enough to enter the throne room of heaven someday with your head held high, able to tell the Creator of the universe that the blood of Jesus paid for your sins.  That’s how good enough you are!  The only person you should compare yourself to is Jesus Christ Himself- and He has given you His perfect life in exchange for your sinful one.  For free!  So in God’s eyes, the only eyes that matter, you are perfect.  You measure up.  End of comparison!

When you read about or speak with someone who seems to “have it all,” when you don’t measure up, remember that there are times that the person you admire most doesn’t either.  Then remember what Jesus did for you, and go about your day basking in His love.  You may find yourself succeeding in things that were once out of reach, or you may find that those things you wanted so badly don’t really matter all the much anymore.  You will surely find satisfaction in serving your Savior, that’s for sure.  And you will finally have freed yourself from the Evil Snare of Compare.

It’s a wonderful thing, to be free!

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Posted by anoldfashionedgirl on 2007-Aug-20 at 04:21 - Link

Thank you very much for what you have shared here. God has used your words to be a huge blessing to me. Thank you!
Jamie

Thank You.

Posted by 3jemsmom on 2007-Aug-20 at 04:52 - Link

How well-said, and spoken from the heart were your words. I struggle wth this, and reading your post has been most eye-opening. Thank You. May the Lord's Peace be with you always. Shari

very good post!

Posted by blessedmomof10 on 2007-Aug-20 at 11:13 - Link

I just fell upon your blog and I was blessed!

What a wonderful post and so true!

I just wrote about this same thing -- the dangers of comparing ourselves.... on my homeschool blog!

It really is dangerous and I do think the root of it is that we are not content with what the Lord is doing in us or given us.........

Contentment is something that can only come from the Lord!

Bless you!

gloria

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Posted by greyhoundgirl29 on 2007-Aug-21 at 12:46 - Link

Leah,
Enjoyed your post...made me think. This is something I tend to do myself, compare and find myself lacking. Thanks for sharing.

Cathy (E)

this is GREAT!!

Posted by Cathy on 2007-Aug-21 at 01:05 - Link

Leah,
I enjoyed reading this very much...thanks for sharing your heart with us.
I agree...contentment starts with Jesus.
Blessings my friend,
Cathy

Thank you.

Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-21 at 07:13 - Link

Leah, thanks so much for sharing what is in your heart with us. I really needed to hear all this. I feel blessed to have read it.
Winona

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Posted by tioga12 on 2007-Aug-21 at 07:15 - Link

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share from your heart about what God has taught you. I can relate to what you are saying, and although I am not acutely aware of comparing myself to others, I am often trying to live up to a standard and feeling discouraged that my family doesn't "look" like I think it should. You have given me something to ponder. As always, motives are what God sees. I try to keep that in mind when I am tempted to excel out of pride.
Great post! :-)
~Annette

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Posted by Deblyn on 2007-Aug-22 at 12:50 - Link

Leah, very well said. I too struggle with this! I think so many of us women do. You are right, it is a trap from the enemy. I am reading "Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free." I think you could have written a chapter in her book. :) Thanks for sharing your heart!

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Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-22 at 08:41 - Link

Leah,
Your words have really touched me this morning. Thank you.

~Ann~ www.tisthegifttobesimple.blogspot.com

Freedom

Posted by beverly on 2007-Aug-22 at 07:51 - Link

Thank you for sharing this story with us.. As a person who daily struggles with the "I have to be perfect" syndrome, I identify with the compulsion, and the snare. By opening your heart for us to see, it may indeed, through the grace and mercy of Christ, set many women free. God bless.

How Honest!

Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-24 at 07:55 - Link

Leah,
Just what I needed! and how true, I know you have been a blessing to so many with your honesty. I continually try to instill this into my children the emptiness of comparing and never being satisfied, it would do me good to apply it to my own heart. I have often found the qualities we see in others that upset us so, are often our own shortcomings. Thank you again.

Blessings,
Kim

Zing!

Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-25 at 08:16 - Link

Good one!

Thank You.

Posted by HeMarriedMedusa on 2007-Aug-27 at 11:41 - Link

You put so eloquently into words those things that I could not, but am feeling so much and wanting to change in myself. I am who God made me. Unique and Special and striving in my own way to follow Him. I need to stop comparing myself with others. Thank you.
Sincerely, Brenda
p.s. And if I might add (not related to the post but a bit humorous on this end and praying you won't be offended) my 10 yr old walked by and saw the farm photo and your picture and started singing "Green Acres is the place to be" (okay so we watch t.v.) I guess your beauty and the farming just reminded him that all things aren't what they appear. Trust me it was a compliment.

Edited by HeMarriedMedusa on 2007-Aug-27 at 10:42

wow

Posted by Becky on 2007-Aug-28 at 04:28 - Link

Hi Le,
I have to say I learned more from this post and all it's truth and honesty, than I have from all of your other positive and encouraging previous posts combined. I'm so glad you took the time to put it all down and share it with all of us.

Love You,
Becky