Trixi is a dear friend from our other blog and we've chatted back and forth in blogland for a good year or better now.
She commented on my post rebuttal to the anonymous commenter and asked where we thought things went wrong and our eldest started making the choices he has in life.
My pride is rubbing me completely to stop typing, but I can't do that. I can clearly see what we did wrong in our history. I would love to say something short and blame-shifting, like satan got his hold on him and we pray for him to come back.
We do, of course, hold high prayers and hang onto that promise that if we trained him correctly in The Lord, he will not forget those teachings forever. But that isn't really our case and I would be lying outright if I were to shift the blame that easily.
So, the question to ponder is how my son made this choice/these choices that seem to ride against the grain of all we have raised in him and taught him to believe.
While growing up, eldest was in public school until 6th grade. By that point, bringing him home was rather a moot point, looking back. I was ready to homeschool, but in many ways I wasn't prepared for it at all. He was immediately filled with what he wanted to hear from friends and family members.
Why should he be isolated at home with us? Why couldn't he have the friends at public school that he left behind? What harm is there to put him back in school if he agrees to try harder? Why does he have to feed the animals, why does he have this chore or that chore...the list goes on and on.
The bottom line is that we failed him, as parents. We were far too lenient in his raising and have seen that fruit come back on us, plain and simple. We didn't punish everything that was wrong and offensive, ad when we did, it was slow in coming. It grew slowly, and we have the exact fruit we as the parents planted in him and his heart. It just took a few years to really mature.
We once had a policy much like the Boot Camp process I share. Any offense, every offense, regardless of size and timing, was promptly dealt with. The rules were plain and clear. Everything was governed for a time, until his heart was in the right place and the correct responses to any and every discipline were given with ease.
But, we softened on it all somewhere along the line. A church that was more free with their youth and guidance, allowing satan to whisper in our ears little things like "does it really matter if he didn't clean his room today? he's had plans for over a week to go to a movie with his friend?" or "he completed most of his school work for the week, can't he do this or that and finish the work later on?"
We said yes...we should have towed the line and said no. We began to slowly teach him that there were loop-holes in our standards and rules. We taught him how to circumvent those rules by changing them by not being consistent in the response and discipline, and they went straight from being set in stone, to being hastily written in shifting sands.
We taught him to disrespect us and ignore our rules and our voice by letting things slide now and again. We did not respond to much of anything with any level of consistency, so we taught him that rules were subject to every external influence...where we were dictated how he might be punished, if at all; what he did received punishment based on our emotions or mood at the time of the offense; the rules and guidelines we claimed were in place, depended on those same influences.
Our eldest was allowed all manner of things for entertainment...we were taught to feel sorry for him, being pulled out of school, living out in the country away from friends and 'life' and all that, having to live the life we (the adults) chose (that country living and farm life). That was all we heard, from every side of the family connection and from friends (and looking back, it was the friends who either had no children of their own, or had only 1 child and took issue with that). We chose incorrect role models and mentors for not only him, but for ourselves as well.
Sure, I can sit here and easily see all that brought us to where we are now, and I can clearly see the path my eldest is walking and where it is leading him, but I am helpless at this point to do anything but turn him completely over to God for redemption and direction. I cannot change his heart now. He is no longer under our influences, though I do see at times the heart of that young child we once had peeking out and I know he is going to be dragged down and hurt terribly before he finally pulls himself out of this pathway.
I cannot even begin to describe the pain in my heart knowing that I have done this to him. That I have lead him this way by my own lack of parenting. That I will have to watch him continue in the path he is in, making the poor choices that will be with him his entire life. A part of me cries desperately all day and builds a wall of hatred for myself inside. Another part of me knows that it is water under the bridge now, so to speak, and there is nothing I can do to alter his course now, but to pray mightily and deeply with all I have in me for God to grab hold of him and keep him safe and guide him along.
And I can ensure that I am not making those same mistakes over again with our other 8 children. There is no real shame in making mistakes -- once. They are most often made because of ignorance of a better way, a better choice.
But to repeat those mistakes once you have been awakened to them? That is where the shame lies.
WOW, What a beautiful and touching post that is just making me sit back and wonder where I am going wrong in my parenting....or lack there of...Even though my children are still young enough and there are still "years left in the home" those times are fleeting and I want to thank you for opening my eyes..this is a prayer answered and by your honesty and and wisdom I pray that My husband and I can take what you say here and learn to apply the training up rules to our own two children...Bless You and May your eldest be brought back to the straight and narrow path..
My youngest is the one I was more 'slack' with. She is only 14, but man o man do I see a difference....
Only God could have revealed what you have typed here. The human flesh would never allow for such a humble confession. Thank you for putting this in print.
May it serve as a guide, a warning, and instruction to those who are lax with they young ones now.
Dear one, I want to tell you that we made many of the same mistakes with our oldest. But I also want to share the blessings that this child now is to us. She is married to a godly man and they now have 3 delightful little ones. The path in between is our prodigal story. God reminded us over and over that the father let the son go and then waited and watched (prayed) for his return. We were also reminded that the son went but the father stayed steadfast - Isn't that just like our heavenly father who gives us the choice and then patiently waits for us to return to him? Continue to pray and be a picture of the love and patience of the Heavenly Father to your son. We will stand with you in prayer. Your son will never know how many others are praying.
Janell - Tennessee
Friday, October 24, 2008 - Ohhhhhh those prodigals....
Shared by Anonymous
Deanna,
I just want to encourage you...from one Mom of a prodigal, to another. I hear your heart. Let me share some things the Lord has given me along this journey.
In the story of the prodigal son. There is no mention of fault on the father's part. The son makes this decision...because he is old enough to do so. Not that we don't have some fault in our child's decisions, but even had you done everything perfectly, he may still have made these decisions. The other precious thing the Lord has given me in this journey is...the picture of that father patiently waiting for that son to return. He fully expects him to return. I know my prodigal will return! Maybe not to my home...but to the Heavenly Father that loves her more than I do.I can trust Him with her! That is what makes me able to just let her go, and to wait...fully expecting her to return.
Dear one, I know whom I have put my faith in, and He is able to keep what I have committed to Him!!
Praying for you and your prodigal!
Much Love,
Mary
~~I do, I do...I try very hard to remember that it really isn't me at all he needs to return to anyway, it's a return to God and His Kingdom. But, oh the flesh wants a return to me.
I can see in his actions and his manners at times that he isn't totally changed over yet, just living with the midst of choices that he made/is making with more outside influences than thought and heart of his own.
One day...one day...
Deanna
Edited by HandsNHearts on Monday, October 27, 2008 at 07:32
Please take heart in the fact that he has his upbringing and as the proverbs show he will come back around. Do not worry that you did not have him home early on. You had him from 6th grade on and he had your wisdom early on. Please be encouraged!1 he WILL be like the prodigal son. I love your blo9g and love your style!! YOU will be blessed and so will he
Thank you so much for opening MY own eyes to mistakes I am making and have made in the past.
You are a wise and wonderful person.
I have a "prodigal" daughter that longs for a relationship with me as much as I do with her, however, things are so strained and the tension so think. She even tells her sister, "It will never be the same as with you and Mom". I am sad, and hurt, but it is true.
We also have 3 sons that are the same way. Do not call, do not email... nothing.
Parents need to wake up.
Again I say, thank you for this wise and wonderful post.
No indulgences of self will can be trivial, no denial unprofitable; Heaven or Hell depends on this alone. A parent who studies to subdue it in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving of their soul. The parent who indulges it does the devil's work, makes religion impractical, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child, soul and body, forever.
Susanna Wesley
At The School Desks
We are a Christian family desiring to raise our children with the primary focus of Training their Hearts!
I have no greater joy, than to hear my children walk in truth... III John 1:4
Train up the child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it... Proverbs 22:6
Oh, that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always, so that it might go well with them and their children forever!... Deuteronomy 5:29
Our mission in life is not to go to some far-off foreign land, but to work at home and in our churches and home communities. Our goal should not be to leave behind riches and possessions, farms and homes for our children, but a priceless heritage they will cherish enough to work fervently to pass along to their children. It has been done for generations and with God's help it can still be done. In teaching our children, we are striving toward a deep understanding of who they are In Christ. I am . . . a child of God, a gift to my parents and my country. I'm a person of great value because God made me. I can . . . do all things through Christ who strengthens me. God has made me able to do everything required of me. I ought . . . to do my duty to obey God, to submit to my parents and everyone in authority over me, to be of service to others, and to keep myself healthy with proper food and rest so my body is ready to serve. I will . . . resolve to keep a watch over my thoughts and choose what's right even if it's not what I want.
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