To the Hilt

why?

I read nearly everything that Boundless Webzine puts out. I have been reading it periodically over the past few years, despite the fact that it is aimed toward young adults, the "college and career" group, and I was still in high school. In the past six months or so, Boundless has gone beyond simply publishing three new articles each Thursday, and has started a "Boundless Answers" column that is published each Monday. Yesterday, when I clicked the link supplied by the automatic e-mails that I get from them, I was taken aback to find a letter sent in by a nineteen year-old who had just ended a relationship where he had been dating a close friend for the past two years, in which they took things very slow. I found it almost eerie. Therein ends the similarity to my life, I suppose, but I like to read the advice they dole out in response, so I kept reading. When I reached the end of the column, I found this:

If you're sincerely praying for God to guide your steps and for His will to be done in your life, and you're doing all you know to yield yourself to His plans and purposes for your life, then you must by faith accept that He will indeed answer that prayer, and possibly has done so with the ending of this relationship.

 

Right now you are at a very significant crossroads, a crucial time in your walk with Christ. This is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to what God is after in you: trust. You can't help but ask "Why" — anyone who's been in your shoes understands that. But the bigger question — the one that ultimately is of great concern to God (regarding you) is: Do you see God as big enough, wise enough, kind enough for you to trust that He knows what He's doing with your life? During these times of heartbreak (grief), we are consumed with "Why," while God is consumed with "Do you trust me?" That is the essence of faith and what God longs for in your life.

 

And yes, you will make it through this. You will get your life back. But don't wish this away too soon; it might be a gift. Let God bring you to that sacred ground where you're able to say with conviction what God longs to hear from your heart, "Not my will, but thy will be done."

Ouch. Yet so true. Especially in my life right now. It was exactly the sort of reassurance I needed to hear. Now, yesterday, the day did not start out well for me. 8:00 A.M. and the day had already taken a nasty turn. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurt. In summary, I was angry because I was hurt and frustrated because the unhurtful part of what was said was somewhat true (and elsewise mostly overexaggerated generalizations, but we'll ignore that fact, right?). So, I had prayed that the Lord would keep me from saying things I would regret. He did. Which meant my end of the conversation basically consisted of "Mmhmm" and "Yup" whenever I was asked to confirm a response. I digress.

This morning has not started out much better, yet it is about a different, yet distantly related, argument. I really can't explain. I really don't know how. But as it stands, some of the dogs are moving back out to the kennel, the kittens and our Maine Coon are being moved out to the barn and possibly placed in new homes, we're considering selling the horses... yes, all sorts of joyous and wondrous things. It has to do with "if you didn't have the animals, what little you do around here wouldn't revolve around them" and "I don't do anything around here because anything I do is just going to be ruined by them". Yes, taking the garbage out when it overflows will be ruined by the animals. Putting in a closet will be ruined by the animals. Fixing the bloody-well-leaking roof will somehow, inexplicably, be ruined by the animals. I don't get it. I really don't. But the foot has been put down, that fine, if you won't do anything because the animals, we'll get rid of them, and then you won't have an excuse for doing nothing. An awful lot of time is spent away with the racecars. Maybe we should get rid of our cars, too, because they're apparently a distraction. Now I'm worried that if I start gardening next year, instead of doing it for the joy of working in the dirt and harvesting our own food, I'll be doing it out of spite. After all, I'll be outside in the garden instead of, quite possibly, doing something inside. Heaven forbid.

*sigh*  I'm sorry, I know I'm ranting here. But my fingers can type faster than I can write, so blogging seemed a better choice than journaling at this point in time. So, this morning as I fed the kennel dogs, I began to wonder: why is everything being systematically taken away from me? The school. The church. My boyfriend. Now, my animals. Things I love, then. Is Someone trying to tell me something here? I just shouldn't grow attached to things anymore, shouldn't love, I told m'self. Then I recanted on that, told myself that I was being bitter. But you know what? Yes, I am being bitter. I don't want to love anymore, I don't want to cry. Why learn to love when it will only be taken away from you? I get death, okay, that's a part of life. I grasp that. What I don't like is this... knowledge... that what I love, is still out there, but it's no longer a part of my life.

So, yes, I'm asking "why?". I know He's asking, "Do you trust Me?" And I want to. Oh, how I want to. I want to trust Him, want to throw myself at His feet and be able to abandon all of this and just cry.

Untitled Comment

{ 09:56, 2006-Aug-29 } { Posted by JoAnna from http://www.xanga.com/In_this_last_hour }

Hannah (I came over from the Rebelution forum),
Normally I wouldn't comment on someone's site that I don't know, but some of the things you said in your post really resounded with me and I felt led to comment. I hope you don't mind. Plus I receive Boundless as well, and read that particular article that you mentioned.

(You said)"I just shouldn't grow attached to things anymore, shouldn't love, I told m'self. Then I recanted on that, told myself that I was being bitter. But you know what? Yes, I am being bitter. I don't want to love anymore, I don't want to cry. Why learn to love when it will only be taken away from you? I get death, okay, that's a part of life. I grasp that. What I don't like is this... knowledge... that what I love, is still out there, but it's no longer a part of my life."

I've been there, and still am there, in some ways. I have my animals but what I love more, a close church family, has been taken away from me. The people who (outside of my family) mean the most to me are now disliked by one in my family because of a misunderstanding and so we no longer meet with them, or really with anybody very likeminded, on Sundays. Plus there are broken/estranged relationships in my family. . .There have been times I've said that love hurts too much, that I just won't love anymore. . .but God touches my heart and reminds me that I wouldn't be anywhere without HIS love. I can't say I'm over my hurt, each day brings new challenges and pain and yes sometimes anger, but God's been there all of the way and only the knowledge that He will be there in the future too keeps me going.

One verse that really ministers to me is Isaiah 53:4. "Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted." He bore our griefs and our sorrows, Hannah. Nothing that hurts us is overlooked by Him. I wrote this about that verse:

"When my heart is breaking
When the world all seems dark
And the color is going out of life
Then I hear His voice, oh so gently saying,
"I carried the burden of the world on Calvary,
All your griefs and sorrows I gladly bore.
Even now, I intercede for you before the throne of God;
Do you think your pain I do not share?
I am here;
I have been here.
If a sparrow cannot fall without My notice,
Do you think I could overlook the cry of one of my children,
Who is of more value than many sparrows?
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God."

I can't say that I understand what you're going through, because every person's struggle is different--but I know HE understands. I'll be praying for you!

~JoAnna

P.S. I am on the Rebelution forum as JoAnna Talbott. . .if you should want to write me or anything, feel free to do so. And again, hope you don't mind me commenting :)

Don't forget

{ 12:59, 2006-Aug-30 } { Posted by Pattisea }

Not every circumstance in life is God teaching us a lesson, although hopefully we learn from every experience.

Sometimes, we reap what we sow.
Sometimes we reap what other people sow (not fair, but there it is).
Sometimes, it is a Lesson To Be Learned.
Sometimes, it's the enemy trying to shake us.

My prayer for you is that regardless of why things happen, our Heavenly Father will give you the strength to carry out your life, according to His purpose, with honesty and grace.

God Bless you (and don't lose hope),

Pattisea

Untitled Comment

{ 12:53, 2006-Sep-9 } { Posted by jbeth8489 }

Oh, Shephy, I don't know what to tell you...I am so very sorry about all of this.

Steve shared with me some verses that have really comforted him, and I'm passing them on to you.

Heb 13:15 By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name.

Psa 63:1 A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, thou art my God; early will I seek thee: my soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is;
Psa 63:3 Because thy lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee.
Psa 63:7 Because thou hast been my help, therefore in the shadow of thy wings will I rejoice.
Psa 63:8 My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.

In fact, I may have give you those references, but now you have the verses with them.

You are in my prayers, and I believe this is why you have been in my thoughts so much the last couple of days. In my nightly devotions, I have felt that I needed to really remember to pray for you.

I'm sorry that I won't be seeing you tonight, but I will be there in November!